I have been wanting to write this post for a long time now, and was inspired last week by a student to do so. This particular student is usually very cheery and the first person to greet me whenever I walk up to the door. This day she was not. I asked her how her weekend was and if something was wrong. She told me that it was really hard for her to be back after this weekend-long retreat she went on. A retreat that reminds me of the intense, living-in-the-moment, heaviness and pseudo-reality of a summer camp.
I asked her why she was feeling down and she told me that she never realized how “mean” people are at school. She told me that her weekend was spent connecting with students from different schools, doing activities that put her out of her comfort zone, and being able to share her story with others and express herself in a safe space. It was an amazing high, and now Monday morning at school she was once again blindsided by reality in a serious low.
I felt her pain in that moment. I immediately knew how she felt. I tried to console her without using the words “that’s life” or “that’s reality”. A reality that as an adult I now know, but did not at the tender age of 15. I wanted to protect her from the harsh world that high schoolers live in while also showing her that it will truly be okay. We talked through it, but it really got me thinking about my current situation and how my life has turned out after coming home from my travels.
Two years ago, I came home to Chicago from a whirlwind stint abroad. I lived in Thailand for 5 months, and then in Spain for two years before that. It was February of 2017 when I finished living in Thailand. That experience took almost everything out of me, but I was still insisting to stay abroad because I was in no way prepared to come back to the “reality” of home. I decided to move to Australia and started by traveling solo for a month. At the end of this month long adventure, I ended up coming home and finally staying.
Coming home felt like a lot of things. It felt relieving at first; I felt protected by the familiarity of my friends and family. Then it was lonely. Really lonely. I was suffering from anxiety that was so overwhelming to the point where I couldn’t drive my car. I wasn’t sure that I was ever going to figure out why I was feeling this way. This caused me to form a deeper relationship with myself that I didn’t know I could have.
Come summer, I still had every intention of going back to Australia. I was figuring out how to cope with returning home from this intense whirlwind of a life that I lived for three years. I wasn’t ready to give this part of my life up. As my anxiety worsened, I slowly started letting go of the reigns that I clung onto that kept me to living life abroad, and started applying for teaching jobs at home.
I miraculously ended up getting a job offer at a school in the Chicago suburbs, and after I was offered this job, I knew I had a heavy decision to make. I was caught between the world of normalcy and freedom. I knew deep down the right decision was to stay and accept the job, and after two years of being at this school, I now know that it saved me in many, many ways.
What coming home has taught me:
Your decision to come back home is not a decision of failure, it is one of growth and maturity.
It’s okay to only be okay. And it’s okay to forgive yourself.
Take your time. I know it’s been said many times before, but you are on your own timeline, and not anyone else’s. You might feel behind, but know that you are much further ahead. You’ve already had a lifetime of experience wrapped with wisdom. With this comes patience and giving yourself grace.
You will still have that itch and urge to change careers, move to a different city, and even to move back to Europe. You will find comfort in knowing that you can still do these things, and that nothing is permanent.
You will still find adventures outside of the stamps in your passport.
You will fondly see the personalities of your Spain and Thailand students through the students you teach at home. You’ll realize that kids are the same all over the world, and adults too.
You will thoroughly enjoy the comforts of home, and end up making your apartment your sanctuary.
You will find patience for those who do not understand what you went through. You will find safe spaces to reflect, and people that become this safe space for you. Your friends are your chosen family, and your family are your chosen friends. You are so lucky for them.
Your anxieties do not rule you, and they will become easier to control. You will learn to live without fear of judgment or rejection.
You will go back abroad and see the friends you made and cherish the memories together that only you all understand.
You will make new friends at home and have colleagues that feel like family. It will fascinate you how you could all grow up in the same place and have your paths finally cross here.
Your job requires a lot of energy that some days you just don’t have. That’s okay. Self preservation is key, and you’ll always have tomorrow.
Your family is the strongest set of people you know. They radiate love and compassion that you will be inspired by every day and look to carry out in your own way.
You will still have moments that make you feel alive.
Whether it is a weekend long retreat or a three year stint abroad, coming home after a life changing experience is arduous, awkward, pivotal and incredible all in one. You are growing everyday, making this life an amazing reality manifested by your dreams. Hang in there! You’re doing just fine.
Personally, I am glad that you are home.